How to convince people you can cook.
Do you wish you could fry an egg without burning your kitchen down? Do you enjoy eating food but can’t find the motivation to make it? Do you dream about being a functional human being? If the answer to any of these questions is yes then you’ve come to the right place! In this guide you’ll learn how to convince people that you’ve put time and effort into learning how to cook. Read on to get the ins and outs on how to act like it just “comes naturally” to you like you’ve been possessed by the spirit of an Italian grandma.
No matter what you’re cooking, always start by taking a pan and sizzling some butter in there on a medium heat. Make sure to tell people standing by that you’re doing it on a medium heat so that the milk solids don’t separate from the fat, this way they’ll know you’re authentic.
If you feel like it you could put some chopped/minced/crushed/canned/tubed/rotting-at-the-back-of-the-cupboard garlic (in order of preference) in the pan as well, it’s no biggie, you’re just “making use of whatever ingredients you have”. See what you did there? You just convinced yourself, and hopefully everyone else around you, that you’re saving money and time by not letting things go to waste. For the full effect try pulling out a half used can of tomatoes from the fridge, look at it and your cupboard of ingredients, puzzled (this part is key), and then put it in the garlic butter pan anyway like you weren’t actually just wasting time wondering if you had enough tomatoes. Of course you had enough, everything’s enough for you, you can cook.
Before boiling your pasta, ensure your water is boiling violently to the point where it splashes over the sides at which point you say “Ah, I knew I should have used a bigger pot,” because you know you should have.
Bonus tip: go on a rant about people who don’t salt their pasta water, for reference on what this should sound like google “sale acqua di pasta” or something else vaguely italian in order to get some authentic views.
Put your pasta in and make a mental note of the time (or don’t and just go by what feels right like you’re some sort of pasta whisperer) so you can pull it from the water right as it’s ready according to the packaging. The people from the Barilla factory have tested this pasta more than you will ever eat pasta in your life so trust them on the time. Of course you could set a timer, but then that wouldn’t look so professional. Personally, I prefer to check my clock around every 15 seconds to see if 9 minutes has passed yet, it really keeps me on my toes.
Before draining the pasta, take a cup and save some of the pasta water. Top tip: however much you would have taken, take slightly more and only put the original amount in, this way it looks like you’re adjusting what you put in based on what it needs. Now add the pasta to the garlic butter pan with about a handful of pasta water (true professionals don’t need to use their hands for this part). Mix thoroughly and do attempt to do that thing where you try to flip the pasta around but it just goes everywhere and so you give up. Keep mixing and adding pasta water until the sauce goes creamy. If it doesn’t go creamy add cream until your sauce goes creamy.
Grate on some parmesan and take the pan to your room along with a fork to stuff it into your mouth while you watch lecture capture on 2x speed.