Getting out from a rut
Hi everyone! This is a very last minute post. My brain juices are exhausted from the studying I’ve done for the past few months, so this post may not be the best one yet. But it’s okay. We all have our moments, right?
Exam season, coupled with the pandemic made me do things I never thought I’d do. I am not one to be alone with my thoughts all the time. I speak my heart and mind out, and writing is my coping mechanism. However, these past few days, it just has been too much. Too much that at one point, it explodes. And trust me, it is ugly. When you feel like your life is crumbling down, and you’re afraid to speak up to people, it gets worse. Your mind tells you things you don’t even believe in. You tell your mind to be quiet, but it roars endlessly.
So what do you do? You stay still. You’ve screamed and cried so much, to a point that it doesn’t work anymore. So you become silent. And trust me when I tell you, this is not me. If ever I am silent, it means that I am out of character.
However, here is how I managed to slowly get out of it.
By slowly opening up to people.
It is really hard to open up to people about your problems. Especially if you have an anxious mind, because you’d think, “oh my god, did I overshare?” “what just happened? Oh no, they will leave you forever now that you’ve opened up.” “Well congratulations, you have once again overshared and you can never come out from your shell.”
At least this is what I’ve felt. I am constantly worried about people leaving me once I’ve opened up.
But guess what?
They listened, they cared, they made the effort to get myself back again.
Exhibit A: Eid day. I was hesitant to get out of my room. But when I did, my housemates embraced me with open arms. It’s the first time they saw me after a long time. We spent some time karaokeing, eating traditional Malay food and taking pictures of our Eid clothes at the backyard. At the end of the day, they asked me to spend time with them. That little act of kindness proved to me that they care, and that maybe, just maybe if I open up to them, I will be okay.
Exhibit B: Two days before my exam. They invited me for a walk. We haven’t gotten out of the house since April (apart from grocery shopping). Since we live in Canley, we took a walk around the Warwick campus, while still taking precautions. As we walked, I opened up little by little. I was so scared to do so, but they said, “please, feel free to come knock on our door. Eat our food, if you don’t have time to cook. Let us know if you need a shoulder to cry on.” And my heart palpitations which stemmed from opening up earlier slowly dissipated.
Exhibit C: A day before my exam. I decided I wanted to start a clean slate. I arranged a workout session with my friend via Skype. We decided to join the bandwagon of Chloe Ting’s Two-Week Shred Program. I haven’t sweat that much for so long. Endorphins started kicking in. I felt alive once again. A few minutes after the end of my workout, I got a knock on my door. I opened the door to see my housemates screaming, “Room service!”, with plate of yorkshire pudding, sausages and sandwiches. I said thank you and I could sense the smile forming from my face. A sincere one. When I closed the door, I teared up. I thought to myself, “There are people who care about me. I don’t have to build my walls that high anymore. I am so, so blessed.”
These are rough times, who else can you rely on apart from each other? If they leave, it is their loss. They don’t deserve you and your beautiful self. So treasure those who stay, and give them the same kind of love.
Life can be cruel, but if you manage to see the beauty of it, focus on that, and know that life indeed, does get better.